Nobody knows how The Butt feels but its been maneuvering our Lords and Ladies and Dukex like chess pieces and a council has been set up to get to the bottom of it.
An electrode scaffold has been applied to The Butt's organic folds, and so far there's been no disruption of our economy.
What we are seeing (and have hypothesized from the beginning) is that flatulence and bowel movements seem to correspond to the surges and drops in certain stocks. Even more interesting is the success or failure of recent trade deals abroad seem to correlate with the resting tension of The Butt's sphincter. To verify this, we transmitted "fruit" and "nuts" and "dark leafy greens" into The Butt's intake valve and measured the results.
The Butt's flatulence definitely leads to more positive spikes in the NASDAQ and plummets in precious metals. We cannot divine the mechanisms here, and there is a clear antagonism with the current state of the technology sector. Everybody knows precious metals are the bottleneck of tech development, so unless we begin harvesting asteroids (and maybe The Butt has control over this process as well), it is clear we need to exert careful control on the "beans", "legumes", and flatulence-inducing "vegetables" transmitted to The Butt.
We were unable to establish clear relationships between "fiber" and The Butt's downstream output on any of the mainstream stock indexes. If we were pressed to glean anything from the data, bowel movements per day that were of prime digits, e.g. 1, 3, 5, 7, etc. were shown to lead to a mild boost to service industry growth and stock appreciation, but this is a tenuous relationship. Furthermore, The Butt's response to "fiber" has been puzzling. While synthetic "fiber" certainly produces a step-wise response in bowel movements, organic-based "fiber" has been less predictable. For instance, seventy-four pounds of "Broccoli" "fiber" transmitted to The Butt led to ninety-eight bowel movements throughout the day, whereas seventy-five produced one-hundred-and-two. We speculate some "broccoli crowns" have "micro-fiber" packed within the "macro-fiber", based on Hubert et. al.'s data from earlier this year, but this has not been confirmed.
We finish this memo on the Lords, Ladies, and Dukex, whose behavior since last quarter seem to be influenced by The Butt. The electrode scaffold detected intermittent Dark Matter Activity within The Butt's colon. Let us preface that the electrode scaffold is an external sensor unit, and its boundaries do not extend beyond The Butt's outer centimeter of perianal tissue and approximately half-way into the perineum (aka "taint"). Still it was able to pick up roving Dark Matter Activity that corresponded to a 37% increase in lawsuits filed among Lord's, Ladies, and Dukex, a 21% increase in defamatory language on social media (as defined by Tsuess et. al.'s criteria), and a 15% increase in filed bankruptcies.
We know from prior studies that there is no so-called reasoning with The Butt. No attempts to date have been successful at communicating favorable suggestions to enhance growth and stability in the impacted economies. Since its arrival, The Butt has grown by 1,349% and shows no signs of slowing.
One unexplored means of input into The Butt is the Dark Matter Activity. The main concern with such an approach is the poor predictability with current methods of manipulation. Next quarter we hope to finish designs on a quasi-internal electrode scaffold to better gauge where the Dark Matter Activity is coming from and a means providing predictable, measurable engagement.
At this time, we recommend no change to The Butt's current diet. Monitor via external electrode scaffold. Institute 24-hour gaps in monitoring to limit the risk of rash and infection. Continue current moisture and sanitation protocol.
Sincerely,
X
Where are you references? I would like to check those out.
I’m glad I haven’t read it during my lunch break as I earlier planned